Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps