what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.