Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My dating profile:
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people