No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.