The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
You Might Also Like
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Anime is real
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.