Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.