Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Beware of fowl play.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.