The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
You Might Also Like
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
DOOO EEEET
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?