I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.