falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*