Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Found my door mat