Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I want this so bad
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.