YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc