[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You Might Also Like
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.