King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart