Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
You Might Also Like
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀