Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Don’t snitch tag.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.