Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
boat question
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.