Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!