I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.