People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m too immature for adultery.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them