my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.