I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.