That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band