What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Who’s your best friend?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.