kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Beware of the dog..
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?