Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
and now we wait
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.