We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.