Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Growing out my freckles.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!