Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Huge, if true.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*