“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You Might Also Like
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?