Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away