6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” đź’€
You Might Also Like
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.