Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself