People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question