[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.