eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often