I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Finally!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.