My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.