them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Sending in my taxes
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it