A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.