*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
You Might Also Like
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn鈥檛 spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I haven鈥檛 worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they鈥檙e called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don鈥檛 get it.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.