Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The “baby” on the left….
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m going to need a moment here.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something