Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
He a real one for that