dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
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A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
🙅🏻
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The news in a nutshell.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse