The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.