This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Home #decor warning.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer