For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.