There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels