I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Saw online –
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection